Write Me In: 15 Reasons I Should Be Your President

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  1. I will never wear sleeveless outfits, not to the State of the Union Address, not to the Easter Egg Roll, not to the Fourth of July picnic. I will wear pantsuits with long jackets covering my elasticized waist bands.  I will make modest, illusory, and seasonally appropriate clothing fashionable again.
  2. I taught middle schoolers for 30 years, so I know how to make childish people get along. Even deplorable people.
  3. I will not go grey. Even if I serve two terms.  A campaign promise I can keep.
  4. You can see my tax returns. Nothing will surprise you: Two teachers’ pensions.  Deductions for prescriptions and ice bags and Tylenol.   Donations of nightgowns and lamps and sweatshirts to Goodwill.   Checks here and there to St. Jude Hospital, the Cancer Society, and The Food Bank. Yes there were losses and depreciations in our lives this year, but nothing we could claim.  Loopless, we are.
  5. I will commit no sins of the flesh. Just ask my husband.
  6. I think America IS great AND we have important work to do.
  7. I have no blood coming out of my wherever; I’m just ornery all the time.
  8. It will be easy for the Secret Service to keep track of me. I’m slow.
  9. I have no idea how to tweet.
  10. Yes, you can see my medical records. You can see that I am at a healthy weight for my 7’10”    That I have the usual old person ailments:  hypertension, cholesterol, and a little too much candy in my blood stream.  That I take the three medications most women my age take: Lipitor, Lisinopril, and the one that will keep me from losing my shit when Congress won’t play nice.
  11. I am up three times a night peeing anyway, so I will take that 3:00 AM call.
  12. I don’t golf.
  13. You are welcome to read my emails, ones setting up lunches, ones requesting my children’s Christmas lists, ones with meatloaf and cheesecake recipes. And, by all means, look for my lost emails, because there are at least 22,000 I can’t find.   Find the receipt for that doohickie I bought from Etsy that I want to return.  And bring your experts in to crack the code of my passwords, because I’d really like to order something from the Zappos again.
  14. If I lose, it will be because more people liked another candidate better.
  15. I am not nasty. (And neither is “She.”)img_3062

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21 Comments

  1. Oh yes you nailed it again Lingo, I’d vote for you but since you are not one of the “legitimate” write in candidates, I’ll vote for “her”. Thanks for this bit of levity in such trying times, and yes, America is great and we have work to do.

  2. Thank you, thanks you, thank you for dialing it down in the last few days of the election. This is priceless and hits home in so many places for me. You are an amazing writer but an even better humorist. Like Twain said, “Nothing can stand against the onslaught of humor.” Fernbacher’s right … out of the park. Team Hillary!!!

  3. Priceless!! Love the bit about needing help cracking old password codes. And your 7’10” frame. Thanks for making us laugh, Madame President!

  4. Write. Her. In. :)

  5. Oh, Sandy. I wish I COULD vote for you! Thanks for making my day. Yesterday I was hoping you’d post something soon, and voila!

  6. Sandy, this was great. Your humor is spot on and yes this nasty woman already voted for the other nasty woman. Sorry Sandy, you declared your candidacy too late.

  7. You would have my vote–but I already voted early for that other woman. Since OH is not one of those states that allows one to change his/her early vote, I’ll have to be content with my decision for now. But in 4 more years . . .

    Thanks for the laugh at the end of this interminable campaign!

  8. You always have my vote. I especially love how your teaching experience would be perfect to tackle childish people. This is a perfect timely piece.

  9. I’ve already voted so I’m afraid I can’t say ” You’ve got my vote!” unless I follow Trump’s advice and vote again (which I will never do — follow Trump’s advice, that is). Still, I think you’ve got what it takes. I don’t tweet either but if I did, I’m betting this hilarious little piece would be viral by now.

  10. Thanks for my only laugh of the last couple of weeks! This is great, Sandy!

  11. Thanks for making us laugh after what seems like Years of campaigning.

  12. Oh gosh! My ballot has been mailed in…. wish I had written you in. Love your outlook on life at our age.

  13. Boy, sure needed that today!

  14. Hysterical, Sandy!!!! Your argument about having taught middle schoolers is very convincing…… Thanks.

  15. Pitch Perfect!! Thank you!

  16. Thanks! I needed a good giggle today!

  17. This is really funny Sandy. You are the perfect candidate. So glad you came forward as a write in. You have my vote!

  18. Dear Sandy: I definitely would write you in except….damn it!…I voted early for that other candidate…the one who can’t get her emails straight. Is there a way to break into the early voting compile downtown and retract a mail-in?

    P.S. I knew you were taller than I was but never figured you were 7’10″…hmmm that makes me 7’3″/…I won’t have too wear boots anymore. Wait a minute! I LIKE MY BOOTS!!!!!
    dg

  19. Could never say enough about you. Many people are filled with doubt over this election. I could never, ever doubt your sincerity, never doubt your loyalty, never doubt your kindness to your fellow man(and woman), or your solid, smart, funny mind.. never ever…Yes, you would have made the BEST candidate for Nov.8th but I’ll cast my vote for you forever!

  20. Can we please get you in there? Reading this was a welcome break from election coverage…

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Sandy Lingo

Life itself is the proper binge.  - Julia Child

A writing friend said that when she reads my writing, she always wants a second helping.

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